Basic obscenities of rivalry week past

When college football is most profane

Bryce Perkins became the first UVA quarterback to beat Virginia Tech since Matt Schaub beat the Hokies. Schaub is 38 years old.

After losing the Apple Cup, Mike Leach went on a postgame press conference rant that included the sentence, and, I’m quoting here, “You run your mouth in your little column and stuff like some sanctimonious troll.” Meanwhile I like to think Chris Petersen walked into his press conference and played the Air Raid siren in response to every question asked while punctuating that harrowing shrill with the phrase “I own this noise.”

This is a basic profanity of college football rivalry week.

Texas took Texas Tech over the line 49-24 in Austin to get to 7-5, which has Horns fans acting like Walter Sobchak. Tom Herman, my friend, you mark this season an eight, and you’re entering a world of pain because it’s a league, Tom.

Ohio State has now handed Jim Harbaugh five straight Ls. There’s still hope, though! Mack Brown lost five straight to OU as the head coach at Texas, and some of us are petty enough to compare the two. ‪It’s been eight years since Michigan beat Ohio State. Feels like the mortgage has been paid off, and the Big House is Buckeye property.

With the 38-3 victory for the South Carolina State Championship over the Gamecocks, the Clemson Tigers have now won seven-straight by 30 or more. But Dabo Swinney thinks it’s still Clemson against the world. And that world is really just Georgia.

Oklahoma* earned its 70th win over Oklahoma State in the AP Poll Era (since 1936). That is tied for the second-most wins against a single FBS opponent in that span. Oklahoma has won 21-straight in November dating back to Nov. 8, 2014. And that’s what we call going streaking. Dallas Cowboys head coach Mike Gundy has a nice ring to it.

Auburn and Alabama have allowed over 800 yards of offense, 93 points, 22 penalties for 156 yards and two pick sixes. They don’t actually play defense in the SEC.

Means the Gumps put up 515 yards of offense, produced a 300-yard passer, a near 150-yard rusher, three receivers with over 80 or more yards, a kick return for a touchdown and 45 points—in a loss. The last time a Nick Saban-coached team gave up 48 points was in 1999, when Michigan State lost 52-28 to Purdue. Welcome to Big 12 football, SEC.

What I’m saying is Alabama picked up the phone Sunday morning and sent that Good morning, Beautiful text to the Playoff selection committee and got hit back with that “New phone who dis?” Spell it A-L-L-A-B-A-M-A because the Tide is holding TWO Ls. Utah got ‘em too, and that’s a double entendre. In 13 years of Nick Saban at Alabama, Tide kickers have missed 101 field goal attempts—most of any program in that span.

Surely, Alabama ain’t gonna make the Sugar Bowl without a division title, two losses and zero wins against a ranked opponent, right?! The Tide played itself.

Florida whipped Florida State, but who hasn’t?

Utah beat a Colorado team not even the city of Boulder respects.

Oregon beat the Beavers into the dam.

Notre Dame chopped down the Cardinal because Stanford’s mascot is actually a tree.

With the win against Tulane, SMU won 10 games for the first time since the Reagan Administration (1984).

Mack Brown’s North Carolina Tarheels are going bowling after rolling N.C. State 41-10. Sam Howell has quietly put together a freshman All-American season with 3,347 yards through the air with 35 passing touchdowns to just seven interceptions. For perspective, Trevor Lawrence has passed for just 2,870 yards with 30 TDs and eight picks.

LSU was up 31-0 on Texas A&M with 324 yards of offense to just 40—at the half. Aggie yell! (STAHP!) The final score was, as my man Shea Serrano once wrote, Joe Burrow setting the Aggies on fire and shoving them in a grave filled with glass to 7.

Mississippi took the piss out of Ole Miss. The Bulldogs earned bowl eligibility thanks to an Ole Miss player mocking an ol’ piss on the Rebs’ chance to take the trophy back to Oxford.

Course this is all after we were reminded by Adam Amin, Matt Hasselbeck and Pat McAfee that there’s probably a single degree of separation between Brett Favre and nearly any one who has ever passed through Mississippi. Hell, I’m probably second cousins with him because, like benched Ole Miss quarterback John Rhys Plumlee, I too, grew up in Hattiesburg. Got the Dixie Youth Clubhouse Cards baseball jersey to prove it. Shout out Adam Dolan, Cullen Tatum, Stephen Stetelman, Hartley Domergue, Presbyterian Christian Academy, Hattiesburg Head Start, Jones Elementary and Dr. Bobs M. Tusa who put my third-grade biographical report in the University of Southern Mississippi historical archive because Grandmomme told me facts about how she became Civil Rights royalty she’d never told a soul before.

But back to the Egg Bowl, which got its name for being shaped like a football, and was invented to keep the two fan bases from fighting each other after the game like two rival English football firms among the thugs.  And that’s your Bill Buford reference for today.

There were just four seconds left to play when Matt Corral found Elijah Moore on a two-yard TD pass. This is the same Elijah Moore who tried to wave for a fair catch AFTER catching a punt. That’s not how that works, child.

But that’s not the stupidest thing he’d do that night. Oh, no. As Ric Flair once told Nikita Koloff, we’ve only just begun. Now I’m gonna continue on with the same energy Slick Rick summoned when he told a room full of grown-ass women, “Oh, girls, I can’t stand it. Now I gotta talk. We all gotta be quiet.” Let me talk like that to my mama or Laurel, and I’m liable to get Della Reese’d.

Back at the Egg Bowl where our peak act of stupidity came with four seconds left when Moore saw fit to celebrate his tud-dee by going pee-pee. Moore crawled to the chalk in the back of the end zone on all-fours and raised his leg like my dog Skip. He was acting like a canine who had come too far not to fake relieve himself on national TV. This was the rare ironic act of selfishness on Thanksgiving. He picked up an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty that comes with going Hot-TAY Pot-TAY.

Means the Rebs went from having a chance to win this thing from the deuce to we college football fans saying “You gotta be deucing me?!”

So they didn’t go for the two. Though I imagine Ole Miss head ball coach Matt Luke was too constipated to just sit there and scroll Twitter and intermittently grunt.

Who’s to say if Reb kicker Luke Logan would’ve nailed the extra point without the extra 15 yards of real estate tacked on the flagship land-grant’s attempt? We do know he pissed that pee-A-T wide right, and the look on Reb fans’ faces is the same a son gets when he gets caught with the toilet seat up while shooting from the logo in the bathtub.

Before snatching defeat from the double-jointed jaws of victory, Mississippi had driven 82 yards on 12 plays with a wild cheeks 57-yard completion on fourth-and-24 with 59 seconds left to play and a second fourth-down conversion from the Starkville Cowbell Banger 4-yard-line before Elijah Moore made like Rudy Ray and committed an infamous act of legendary obscenity and inspired the school that gave us William Faulkner to commit to its basic instinct and go with the Southern Bastard full bore, profanity-laced version of a cry not unlike that of As I Lay Dying. Reb fans had to feel like their mother was a fish.

“But the past is not past. In fact, it’s not even the past.”

—That’s a Faulkner quote referencing Elijah Moore’s immediate future

“Gratitude is a quality similar to electricity: it must be produced and discharged and used up in order to exist at all.”

—That’s a Faulkner quote you can to deliver to your favorite Rebs fans if you want to get violently kicked in the face after their 4-8 and 2-6 in the SEC

“Between grief and nothing I will take grief.”

—That’s one of the stupidest quotes Faulkner ever took time to write down, and I take every opportunity to say so.

“I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.”

—That’s the best Faulkner quote ever attributed to him. So it makes sense that we’re not totally sure he wrote it down first.

 In any event, I have written this. And what have I delivered but all but reasons why we love this wild sport called college football.